Sometimes, you need to be cruel

The phone rings, I read the caller-ID, and I decide to let it keep on ringing. I admit, I can be a coward sometimes, I choose to avoid confrontation. When it comes to relationships, one can never please everyone. If you don't want to read about me whinge, I would advice you to stop reading now. I am just going write about whatever is on my mind right now. I keep beating myself up over small and measly things. I'm getting tired of it already. I just want to rant, and let it all out.

I have an annoyance in my life right now. She lives a couple of doors away, which is a scary thought. Its not that she is a bad person or anything, in fact, she is a really really nice person. Why am I being such a bastard then? Plain and simple, there is nothing coming from my end. I don't feel the attraction, and this has been the case often enough, which I personally think, is kinda scary. Am I that heartless? If only we're born built with a built-in 'on-off' switch which we can use whenever it conveniences us. She likes me? But there is nothing coming from my end? No worries, I'll just switch on the 'like-back' switch. Everything works out, everybody is happy. but am I? I've learnt to build this brick wall around me for years now. Yes, I'm no stranger to this situation before. I have had a couple before, and I'm not being smuck or happy about it, in fact, the total opposite. I feel like absolute shit because I'm causing someone else pain, and it totally smashes my conscience.

Second call comes after a few hours. I'm on my bed, reading a book. Same caller, second time, no excuses now. I pick up the phone. I say hi, wish her a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I put on my game face, I try to act cool, but in actual fact, I'm absolutely terrified. She returns the greeting, then gets straight tp the point. Her computer is acting weird she claims. There is something wrong with her DOS-system, and it is effecting her whole computer. She asks if I knew what the problem is. I have no idea. I admit to her that I'm not very useful when it comes to these technical things. I swear I'm not. That is why I use IBM. They have a terrific recovery system fitted into their laptops. If something happens, just hit the 'recover button'. Everything reverts back to first-time use. No worries. No re-installing, no CDs, no hassle. Just remember to back up your important files into an external storage before you do. Okay, I'm straying away from the main topic here. She asks me to come over to have a look. Shit. I knew it was coming, she had already made other attempts to get me over, a swim at her pool a few weeks ago, to which I politely declined. An attempt to get me to go over for drinks and maybe go to a club after, again, another lame excuse to avoid it. Now she is asking me to come over to help fix her computer. I say that I have no idea when it comes to these things, I offer that she get someone who is more experienced, or maybe someone who knows more. A pause, and then I note a hint of disappointment in the tone of her voice. Dammit, a stab to the chest there. I said sorry ( I actually meant it), and tried to change the subject. I asked her of her plans for the new years. Before she could answer, I say that I'm going to the city with friends to watch the fireworks and go out for a night of drinking and partying. What was said after that, I can't recall. I don't even remember what she said that she was going to be doing. I remember wishing her a happy new years, and saying goodbye. I again note the hint of disappointment and sadness in her voice when she wished me back.

I now feel absolutely shit at the moment. I feel like an arsehole, a bastard. I hate this feeling. I really want to start all over again. But who am I kidding? It won't change, it will always be a one way emotion. My heart is numb, it has no feeling. Why are you still persistent? Does it pay to be cruel at times? I need advice.

Patience

Christmas this year was different. My first time celebrating it without me mum, brother and sister. It was, daunting in a way. So I spent Christmas eve with relatives, and Christmas day with my aunt and some of her close friends who invited us over to their house for lunch and dinner. My first Christmas, Italian style. The food was fantastic by the way.

It is Boxing Day now. I decided to stay home, recouperate, clean my room, box some of my things. Once the new year starts, I'd be back to work, 6 days a week. Did I mention that I am currently looking for a new place to stay? Yes, I'm looking, again. This time I will be looking for a place to rent with a friend. Someone I know, someone that I can relate to. A bloke who speaks English, at least.

There are loads of things on my 'to do list' at the moment.
1. Book my ticket home (I procrastinate)
2. Find a new place to rent
3. Get driver's license (I hate carrying my passport out to clubs just to prove my age)
4. Clean my room (carpet is slowly turning a darker shade)
5. Box unused belongings
6. Do some laundry (I've got 10 days worth of unwashed clothing piled up at a corner of my room)

I can't wait for the new year. I can't wait to see whats in store for me in the new year. Patience man, patience.

And yeah, one of my favourite old time group is back. I hope they don't disappoint. Take That is back.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Just want to wish everyone a very MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'm just going to be frank, I have been utterly busy with work for the past couple of weeks, and since the holidays are here, I have been yet again, busy with partying and enjoying the break from work. I will 'try' to update as much as possible during the break, but no promises though.

I have been partying and committing every sin possible since Friday. Well, except killing and coveting thy neighbour's wife. Hopefully things start to mellow down in the next couple of days. I hope you all have a marvelous holiday.