Sometimes, you need to be cruel

The phone rings, I read the caller-ID, and I decide to let it keep on ringing. I admit, I can be a coward sometimes, I choose to avoid confrontation. When it comes to relationships, one can never please everyone. If you don't want to read about me whinge, I would advice you to stop reading now. I am just going write about whatever is on my mind right now. I keep beating myself up over small and measly things. I'm getting tired of it already. I just want to rant, and let it all out.

I have an annoyance in my life right now. She lives a couple of doors away, which is a scary thought. Its not that she is a bad person or anything, in fact, she is a really really nice person. Why am I being such a bastard then? Plain and simple, there is nothing coming from my end. I don't feel the attraction, and this has been the case often enough, which I personally think, is kinda scary. Am I that heartless? If only we're born built with a built-in 'on-off' switch which we can use whenever it conveniences us. She likes me? But there is nothing coming from my end? No worries, I'll just switch on the 'like-back' switch. Everything works out, everybody is happy. but am I? I've learnt to build this brick wall around me for years now. Yes, I'm no stranger to this situation before. I have had a couple before, and I'm not being smuck or happy about it, in fact, the total opposite. I feel like absolute shit because I'm causing someone else pain, and it totally smashes my conscience.

Second call comes after a few hours. I'm on my bed, reading a book. Same caller, second time, no excuses now. I pick up the phone. I say hi, wish her a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I put on my game face, I try to act cool, but in actual fact, I'm absolutely terrified. She returns the greeting, then gets straight tp the point. Her computer is acting weird she claims. There is something wrong with her DOS-system, and it is effecting her whole computer. She asks if I knew what the problem is. I have no idea. I admit to her that I'm not very useful when it comes to these technical things. I swear I'm not. That is why I use IBM. They have a terrific recovery system fitted into their laptops. If something happens, just hit the 'recover button'. Everything reverts back to first-time use. No worries. No re-installing, no CDs, no hassle. Just remember to back up your important files into an external storage before you do. Okay, I'm straying away from the main topic here. She asks me to come over to have a look. Shit. I knew it was coming, she had already made other attempts to get me over, a swim at her pool a few weeks ago, to which I politely declined. An attempt to get me to go over for drinks and maybe go to a club after, again, another lame excuse to avoid it. Now she is asking me to come over to help fix her computer. I say that I have no idea when it comes to these things, I offer that she get someone who is more experienced, or maybe someone who knows more. A pause, and then I note a hint of disappointment in the tone of her voice. Dammit, a stab to the chest there. I said sorry ( I actually meant it), and tried to change the subject. I asked her of her plans for the new years. Before she could answer, I say that I'm going to the city with friends to watch the fireworks and go out for a night of drinking and partying. What was said after that, I can't recall. I don't even remember what she said that she was going to be doing. I remember wishing her a happy new years, and saying goodbye. I again note the hint of disappointment and sadness in her voice when she wished me back.

I now feel absolutely shit at the moment. I feel like an arsehole, a bastard. I hate this feeling. I really want to start all over again. But who am I kidding? It won't change, it will always be a one way emotion. My heart is numb, it has no feeling. Why are you still persistent? Does it pay to be cruel at times? I need advice.